so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
