why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
