why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
birth control should be required to get into college
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
