Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize