My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize