i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
