I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
