so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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