dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
