You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
