Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize