i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
