Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
