bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
