Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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