And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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