3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
