i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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