Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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