the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
