I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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