I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
