What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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