Bisexual people are plain selfish.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
