Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
