I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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