Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
