No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just threw up on my dentist
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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