i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
