Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
