I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
