She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize