Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
