Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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