I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
