my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
