At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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