Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
