i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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