I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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