Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
