I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
