God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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