my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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