i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
