the condom got lost in my hair
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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