seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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