I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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