Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize