WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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