We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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