my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
