omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
