I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
