She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
