I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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