even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize