We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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