A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
