Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
