you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
