Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
