I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
