you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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