the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
