I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize