God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
